Exile

The thing about doing sentry duty while you are in outfield is that you feel like you're being exiled. Like the Exile Island in Survivor. You are away from conversations, you are away from gossips, you are away from keeping yourself updated on the latest happenings in the platoon, you are away from making connections with your friends. I now know exactly how lonely and desperate those contestants in Survivor feel when they are sent to Exile Island. The desperate need to be informed, to be connected and to feel the warmth of familiarity, the lonliness when you know that your friends are happily chirping and gossiping while you are alone in silence and darkness in an foreign environment.

The only difference between Survivor and outfield, and also the element that makes outfield sucks more than Survivor, is that you are exiled to a place no more than 50 metres from the civilisation of familiar faces and the comfort of safari beds. You can still hear their laughter, and at times, the exact conversations between your other friends.

You know what's going on, but you can't be in it. Technically you are still informed and updated, but you are still missing out on something. You eavesdrop on their
conversations to beat the boredom of manning the sentry post, only to be reminded of the pathetic situation you are in right now. So lonely, so desperate. Their giggles and loud roars only serve to contrast the overwhleming silence of your surroundings that engulfed you rather than to tease you with a small taste of familiarity in an unknown terrain.

Being exiled also has its advantages. Away from all the commotion, you get a chance to think. Just thinking. No holds barred. Academical, intellectual, philosophical, sexual, political, visionary, or simply just daydreaming. If use wisely, it can help you orientate yourself -- help you know what you want to do. My post-ORD plans are now carefully planned.

But it still suck being alone. Quality time by yourself is still lonely time. For someone like me who values relationships and connections with others more than anything else, it's better to screw up your life than to lead a lonely life.