What Type of Boy are you?

How can it be complete if I only wrote a guide to understanding girls without writing another for girls to understand we boys?

I think I am better with boys -- one, I am one myself; two, there are more boys around in school giving me a larger sample size to make observations; and three, I have got like 6 years to do my observations.

Boys can be easily classified into 5 different groups: Alpha Males, Metrosexuals, Nerds, Average Joes, The Perfect Ones. You are less likely to find boys entagling themselves in different categories because we are the more straight-forward sort. (It's like men go shopping with a shopping list already in their head and they grab only items on the list while women go shopping to first generate a want-list, then eliminate items from the want-list to generate a shopping list, before the actual purchase of the items.)

Here goes, the 5 types of Boys:

1. Alpha Males (33%):
Alpha males are almost always sporty boys, who almost always come from a sports CCA. They have extremely high levels of self-esteem and thanks to the lionized persona they have built up for the masses, the acknowledgment of any kind of failure (in terms of losing a game or unable to push through their suggestions and initiatives) would represent a complete contradiction to their public image. Their perceived perfection has been built up to such an extent that they can no longer afford anything less than complete success.

In short, they have to beat others, and their desire to win often accentuates into cockiness and arrogance. They also like to belittle others, especially Nerds and Average Joes, by showing off their exemplary skills in their respective specialised sporting event (though sometimes they may not be THAT good.) or by just whining about not attaining the maximum possible score of 30 points for NAPFA in front of Nerds or Average Joes who are struggling to pass the assessment on physical fitness.

Alpha-males also love to hit the gym and pump iron. They want melon-sized biceps, washboard abs and B-cup pecs. Rationale? To have a hot bod for sweats to roll down after their game to attract female fans.

Alpha males often form cliques of their own, be it with their team members, or their soccer "khakis". You are likely to see them congregate around one canteen table to eat or to change into their gear for an upcoming game, or around the street-soccer court with sweaty jerseys lying around, or around the basketball court again with sweaty shirts all over the place, or in the gym discussing the most effective method to build melon-sized biceps. In short, they have their own cliques and unlikely can anyone be able to gain membership to this clique.

Often, together as a clique, alpha-males will compete with another cliques. Like to see which clique has the best soccer skills, or which team can win the championship title during the National Inter-School Championships.

It's all about male pride lah.

Outside of the sporting arena, alpha-males are also rather aggressive in politics -- if they cannot get what they want, they will be at loggerheads with the opposing camp. And surprise surprise! Alpha-males are usually the ones who badmouth and their words of mass destruction(WMDs) can inflict more damage than those from Bitches.

P.S. I actually wanted to cite examples, but decided against it to avoid unnecessary conflict.

2. Metrosexuals (18%):
Metrosexuals are the fashion police of the school. We (Yes, I consider myself as one) cringe when we see students in P.E. shirt and their respective pants or skirts of their school uniform appearing at scholarship talks, conferences or dialouge sessions; we cry when we see boys wearing OBS T-shirts appearing in Victoria Theatre; we convulse when we see fat girls wearing tees that are not long enough to cover their love handles.

Metrosexuals care a lot about their fashionably-styled hair. Our styled hair is FRAGILE. You must handle with care. Better still, hands off our hair. See no touch. We can spend around 10 to 20 minutes (or even more for extreme cases) just to style our hair using Gatsby's wax, clay or mud. You probably will not see us with an unkempt hairstyle nor do we ever have a bad hair day.

Metrosexuals are highly fashion-conscious. We talk about matching colours of our top and bottom, and even the design and the colour of our belt matter. The particular ones will even select matching footwear. We don't like to dress up in T-shirts, but even if we do, we will not make ourselves look sloppy. We will still dress up to a particular style or to present a particular image. We don't treat clothes as articles to cover our body. Rather, we treat clothes as tools and accessories to bring out the best in us. We staunchly believe in the saying "first impression counts".

Metrosexuals also love to shop for clothes, though we may not be as extreme as those fickle-minded girls who can take up to 3 hours just to buy a pair of shoes. We like to shop, but we will be decisive when it comes to the purchasing of items.

In short, metrosexuals just cannot accept themselves being sloppy in front of others. We will put in a lot of effort to groom ourselves and we are very sensitive to the latest fashion trends. We also know what to dress for different occasions and we just simple love to dress up. =)

3. Nerds (15%):
Nerds can be found in all JCs, though the population of nerds in each JC is proportional to the ranking, 'A'-Level results and other achievements of the school, i.e. a higher concentration of nerds can be found in Hwa Chong, RJC and NJC.

It's easy to spot one: they carry backpack-bag filled to its maximum capacity with textbooks and lecture notes, carry ring folders filled with tutorials, more lecture notes and other miscellaneous handouts, or hug Ten-Year Series and SAT Practice Workbook to everywhere they go.

Nerds are the apples of teachers' eyes, especially of the old-fashioned and conservative ones or the discipline master (mistress) because nerds will never allow their shirt to be tucked out. They will literally entrench their shirt way deep into their pants and will put on calf-length socks. They either don't pay much attentin to their hair, or have their hair gelled neatly to give a shiny, oily look with a centre or side parting. Also, nerds will never allow their hair to reach the collars of their uniform or to let their fringe grow beyond their eyebrow.

And oh! How can I forget the fact that nerds are almost always bespectacled? If they don't wear spectacles, it is not because they wear contact lenses. Rather, it may be due to the mutation of their genes and will continue to have a perfect eyesight.

Nerds also tend to be devoid of general knowledge and life skills. Many of them can't go home from Orchard Road. Many of them don't know who Britney Spears is. (Trust me, one Nanyang girl really don't know who that promiscuous bitch is) Many of them have no idea how much a copy of The Straits Times costs. Many of them cannot differentiate between Mee Siam and Mee Rebus. They don't coo over the latest handphone models, or go crazy over the match between Manchester United and Liverpool. They don't listen to the radio, or watch TV, or log on to MSN, Facebook or Friendster. They go for minimal number of outings and shun from participating in mass dances/social dances or water bomb "war games". They frown upon being send down to cheer for their school's athletes during comptitions.

Lastly, just like Alpha-Males who like to compete to beat others in charm and strength, Nerds aim to beat others through obtaining the highest score for lecture tests, class tests and examinations. They will CRY (yes, boys do cry) when their performance does not qualify them a place in the Top 50 students list. They will sulk when only one of their subjects did not get an 'A' grade. They are vexed when they can't top their class.

Oh, nerds. Our beloved nerds.

4. Average Joes (33%):
Like Average Janes, Average Joes are average people. Of average intelligence, of average built, of average height, of average looks, of average charm, of average eloquence and wit, of average family background, of average results, of average fashion sense... etc.

They just appear to be rather negligible. I mean, the attendance of an Average Joe will not cause much brouhaha, unlike detestful people who would turn off others, or hot guys who would attract horny girls.

Average Joes also don't spend much time or effort in grooming themselves. They just simply cannot be bothered, like our Average Janes.

You can sometimes even say that Average Joes (ditto for Average Janes) have no aim or goal in life. To some extent, they themsleves CHOOSE to be average and have no idea what is their purpose for living. They tend to just go with the flow and follow the crowd. They are passive and are devoid of a zest in life.

Average people. Shan't spend so much words on them.

5. The Perfect One (1%):
He's the individual champion for a cross-country competition or a judo competition. He's at the same time the winner of A*STAR Talent Search. He's a model councillor too. He scores 4 As for every exam. He's tall, tanned, charming, gorgeous, has a boyish smile and a body to die for. Unfortunately, all hot guys are gay.

But he's a rare species too. That is, if he is straight as well.

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So which boy are you?