Photo Booth (Part 2)

Funny isn't it?

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On a sombre note, I realise that my grandmother's photo used for her funeral (I am not sure what is the English term for it, but the Chinese term is "遗照".)vaguely resembles the Da Vinci's world-renowned masterpiece, Mona Lisa.

Just like the portrait, my grandmother's photo, when viewed from afar, depicts her smiling, albeit faintly and to some, bashfully. However, upon closer "inspection", one would be amazed how her smile would disappear, and instead what you would see in close view would be a stern expression.

Ditto for her eyes. Only that Mona Lisa's eyes do not have such amazing ability to change emotions.

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When I told people about my grandmother's death, many people asked if I had shed any tear.

I didn't. Not a single drop. Nor my eyes were wet at any point of time.

To which they probed further, "so, you are not close to your grandmother?"

I won't say that I am very attached to my grandmother, after all with my heavy workload in school and the irresistable temptation of hanging out with friends at town, I seldom visit as frequent as before, when I would visit her once every week. My visit became more frequent last November-December holidays when I visited her twice per week.

Once on Wednesdays, the other on Saturdays.

The increased frequency of visiting her in the last holidays probably stemmed out of guilt, that I have neglected her rather badly over my 4 years of secondary school life.

Back to my relationship with my grandmother. Even though I wasn't as close to her as that during my primary school days, I still feel something when she passed away.

It doesn't mean that I am not sad. Shedding tears doesn't necessarily always indicate that you feel sad, or that you are very attached to the deceased.

For your information, there is this profession in which the people in this line will attend funerals and start crying for the deceased. And they are paid.

I don't cry, but that doesn't mean i am not sad. Or I am not attached to her.

I am not THAT heartless after all. There's a relationship going on between my late grandmother and me, and I could sense that loss when she moved on.

I don not understand why people would gauge a person's feelings by his or her superficial actions or expressions. You can't read his or her mind, his or her inner thoughts are not revealed, perhaps they choose he/she to reveal it, so what makes you made that hasty conclusion?

毕竟，你不是他肚子里的蛔虫，你根本就无法知道他在想些什么。

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For the past 2 years, my grandmother did not step out of her flat in Hougang.

Not a single step.

For 2 torturous, tormenting years, her life has been confined within the parametres of the four walls of her four-room flat.

And it's weird to return to the flat one day, only to find a missing soul in the flat.

The flat used to be occupied by my grandmother, my eldest cousin and my eldest uncle. Now, only 2 persons lived there.

It felt empty.

And we no longer "go to grandma's place". Instead, it's "we go to uncle's place.

And whenever we leave the place, we used to bid goodbye to my grandmother, my eldest cousin and my eldest uncle.

Now, we have one less person to bid goodbye. It felt really really weird. I even walked to my grandmother's room, wanting to say "bye bye ah ma", only to find the room empty.

Perhaps it's the 10-year habit that has been changed all of a sudden that has made us uneasy.

就真的很不习惯。突然间觉得生活好像少了点什么。

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P.S. Sorry for all the disjointed entires about my late grandmother. Thought and emotions are flowing like never before. Do pardon me.

Funeral

“阿麽明天要出殡了。”

才8岁的表弟兴高采烈的这么说着。脸上一丝伤感也没有。

在一个8岁小孩的世界里，死亡之属于蟑螂蚂蚁苍蝇蚊子，以及卡通片里的那个大坏蛋。

看到了表弟的天真无邪，在抬头看一看周围的大人，个个愁眉不展，为了要“守夜”个个都没睡好睡饱，脸上也透露了他们的疲惫不堪，有的甚至时不时眼眶泛红，眼泪在打转。

形成了一个好强烈的对比。

外婆逝世的那一天也是如此。8岁的表弟不耐烦地追问道何时能够回家睡觉，还兴致勃勃地扭开了医院里的电视来看，看腻了就在医院里四处奔跑，无忧无虑。

但在场的大人个个泪流满面的，正在为外婆的状况而担忧。

8岁的小孩，又懂得什么是死亡吗？

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Honestly speaking, my grandma's death somehow came at the right time. It gave me a necessary break from my school life. A break that I had long desired, but certainly no deaths was hoped for to give me this break. (I am not that heartless afterall.)With her death came along some spare time for me to catch up with the fast-paced lessons by revising and spare time for me to catch up with the current affairs.

Perhaps it's another arrangment of Fate. For me to do some catching up. But at the expense of someone else's life, I find it not at all worthwhile.

But to think again, perhaps it's good for my Grandma to leave this mortal world, for she has suffered enough in this place. Perhaps what Miao has said is correct, death would liberate her.

***************************************************

When the Buddhist priest came to chant sutra for my grandother, my cousins were sceptical.

“都不懂它在念什么。”

“对咯。骗人的啦！”

Not that I am a staunch and devoted Buddhist myself (in fact I am a Taoist), but I feel that at such times, what we could only do is to believe and to trust. After all, everyone wants the best for Grandma. I mean, if all the monks and priest in the world are out to cheat you, what else could you do? We could only make ourselves believe that the prayer works.

During the entire sutra-chanting session, the family was arrnaged in hierarchical order. Grandma's sons were to stand at the front, followed by her eldest grandson. Then it's her daughter-in-law, followed by her own daughters, then her sons-in-law, and finally her remaining grandsons. She was considered to be fortunate by many because all of her grandchildren are boys. No girls at all.

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The funeral procession took place last morning. A band was hired to play music for the procession. Songs include 《世上只有妈妈好》and some Buddhist sutras and some other songs of unknown titles, probably something beyond my generation. The sutras ended up sounding very contemporary and new-age-like, which, to me, doesn't sound right, especially during a solemn occasion like a funeral like this.

During the procession, shoes were taken away from us and we were only allowed to walk in socks, which are to be thrown away immediately after all the upcoming ceremonies are performed. In any case, the procession did not exceed beyond 100 metres, so it does not really matter for me to feel the sand grains and twigs on the ground. Soon, all of us were to board a chartered bus that ferried us to 光明山普觉寺, where my grandmother's body is to be cremated.

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This morning, we went to collect my grandmother's ashes.

It wasn't exactly what I had expected, that is, ashes in literal terms. The remains consist of visible bones, only that I have no idea which bone is which from that heap that was emptied out from a bag onto a metal table. I could only identify a hip bone and the skull plates. In any case, even though the remains was not what I had initially expected, it was also hard for me to accept that all that remained were just a few bones. I mean, my grandmother was an obsese person.

Then it dawned upon me that the human body is made up of carbon, hydrogen, oxygen and nitrogen. During combustion (cremation) and possibly under high pressure, the carbon and hydrogen compounds in the body will be converted to carbon dioxide and water vapour.

The person-in-charge was amazing though, as he managed to sort out the bones into different categories, the skull, the spine and the limbs, and well, the "unidentified"

After which, each member of the family present has to, using a pair of chopsticks, pick a bone and put it into a yellow urn. I picked a bone from the "unidentified" section. no reason behind it. It was just a random "impulse". But I think that part could be actually from one of her limbs.

Next, the person-in-charge emptied al the remains on the metal table into the urn and cap it up. It just suddenly occur to me that life is so cruel.

We strive to achieve so much, only to be reduced to nothingness (okay fine, perhaps ashes and bones are still matter so you are not THAT "nothing" after all).

We are consistently being told by the elders to eat more to grow "bigger", but only to be reduced to a heap of bones and ashes in the end.

We aim to achieve that six-packs, biceps and triceps, all only to be reduced to carbon dioxide and water vapour in the end.

We always have so much wants, ever increasing and we never seem to be satisfied. We all know that we would die, but yet we still want so much.

Human beings are so superficial.

So what if you are smarter than me, strgoner than me, more talented than me? At the end of the day, all of us would be reduced to just a heap of ashes. And bones.

It just make no sense for us to keep on achieving, only to lose them all in the end.

Sigh.

Life sucks.

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Death

At around 11:30 A.M. this morning, my maternal grandmother passed away.

Cause of death: Uncertain. (This sounded better than "unknown", for the latter sounds like she has died in an unnatural manner, which is not true)

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Her death was just too abrupt. My mum informed me on Friday that she was admitted into the Intensive Care Unit in the afternoon and that we were to visit her the next day (which is today, Saturday) sometime during noon. However, at about 7 A.M. my mother franctically waked me up and rushed me to the hospital, for my grandmother's condition has worsened.

Not that we didn't expect her death. In fact, about 5 years ago, all of us in the family knew that she has to leave us sooner or later, but I had certainly not expect her to pass away within one day after her admittance to the hospital.

When I visited her, I could see that she was suffering, in pain. The sight was excruciating. Countless tubes were inserted into various parts of her body, and for the first time after learning first aid for more than 4 years I come to understand what does "difficulty in breathing" really means.

It means that you have inflate your lungs more than twice the usual size for you to stay alive.

To be honest, at that moment, I thought that she looked really pathetic. To be struggling with Death to stay alive for one more minute, to gasp for one more breath of air, to wait for the arrival of one of my uncles.

Even though she was already in coma, but somehow she knew. That the entire family was not present. And that somehow she wanted the entire family to have seen her lying on the the bed before she decides to stop breathing.

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I was worried when my mother told me of my grandmother's condition the day before. I wasn't exactly worried about her condition, to be honest, but instead, I was worried about how am I going to handle the death of one of my family members.

I am not sure what should I do and how should I react. Death of a family member, to me, is a very new and fresh event that I have not experienced before ever since I finally "grew up" and finally understood what are feelings.

People won't know the true meaning of "feelings" until they reach their adolescent years.

The last death I expereinced was nearly 10 years ago. My maternal grandfather died due to heart attack, if I remember correctly.

And I could harldy remember a single thing about his death. All that is still clear in my mind are the last sight of my grandfather (who passed away with his eyes wide open), my mum crying, cremation of his body at a temple in Bishan and his funeral. Period.

I don't remember how I had managed to walk out of the shadows of his death.

I guess I was just far too young to understand what is death then.

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It was really painful to my grandmother suffering on the bed. Images suddenly flashed across my mind. Images of her cooking my favourite dish (bee tai mak 米台目)whenever I do my weekly visit at her place, of having reunion lunch with her on the First Day of the Lunar New Year (not dinner on the eve since she belongs to my maternal side of my family), of her scolding my cousins and I whenever we did something wrong, of her insisting in giving my cousins and I money despite my mother and my aunt's repeated refusal, of her weeping at her sister's funeral (which took place years ago)... and many many more.

To be honest, I was not very close to her ever since I moved on to secondary school. During my primary school days, I will dutifully and faithfully visit her ever week. But the busy and hectic secondary school life has diminished my interest in visiting her. Academic grades and hanging out with friends became more important than giving her a visit.

But nevertheless, I did not feel pleasant when I see her in that fragile state. I don't know my exact feeling about this situation for this piece of news came too abruptly and my mind was in a swirl. Confused, I am. Images just keep popping up and flashing across my mind.

I hate this feeling.

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You know, the saddest thing was not exactly my grandmother's death. There were two things which I find it extremely disturbing.

Firstly, the fact that my mother and all my aunts and uncles kept putting up a smile whenever they talk to my cousins and I was extremely saddening. They were sad themselves, yet they would not like to let their feelings affect and influence us. I know this has to be the most painful and the most difficult thing to do -- to reassure us about my grandmother's situation and attempt to console us when they themsleves know very well that she is not going to make it and they themselves are also feeling the pain of losing a loved one.

They were holding back their tears while forcefully trying to smile when they see us. The sight was just too much for me, or for anyone, to bear.

I mean, what could be worse than forbidding yourself to let your emotions flow freely, especially when you are feeling extremely sad?

The pain of seeing the adults trying to stay strong is equally painful to see my grandmother struggling to take that breathe to try to stay alive, and perhaps just as painful as what my grandmother herself has been going through for the past few years.

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My grandmother's health has been deteoriating since 5 years ago. Her knees were wobbly. Her joints were fragile. Her physique was weak. Her daily diet evolved from solid food to liquid food just before her death. The only solid food she has eaten in her later stages of her life, perhaps, would be medicine.

It was THAT pathetic.

She could barely lift herself out of bed to go to toilet. She risks of falling on her buttocks whenever she starts moving because her legs couldn't support her body weight.

It was THAT pathetic.

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The second saddest thing about her death was that I was not present to catch the final sight of her and to bid her a final farewell before that piecee of cloth was draped over her.

I was in the toilet.

Stupid stomache.

Initially, I was very very worried about seeing the nurse draping the cloth over my grandmother. I was not sure if I could handle the fact that she has passed away, and I just hoped that I could get myself out of this situation, for the atmopshere was tense and the feeling was certainly unpleasant.

When my wish of getting out of that unpleasant situation came true, I began to regret. All, but me, who are present at the hospital went in to bid her farewell. I was the only one left out.

The only word that i could use to describe my feeling then is: 遗憾

Everything is, indeed, fated.

I was fated not to be able to bid my grandmother farewell.

To think that I was worried all the while about not being able to handle seeing her dying. In the end, I was spared from seeing her gasping her last breath of air.

Lucky? Or unlucky? I am not sure.

I am just speechless. Dumbfounded. At loss for words.

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Shan't be blogging for a while. The funeral will take place from Monday onwards. I guess the cremation will be on Thursday.

If everything goes well, I should be back in school by Friday. Perhaps by then, I would have gotten over her death.

Fearless 霍元甲

Not bad for an biography, considering that there is little information about this person, Huo Yuan Jia, and considering that Huo did not even lay his fingers on the foreigners he was portrayed to have fought with in the film. (If this was indeed so, it makes me wonder exactly why, in the first place, would the producers want to produce such a film, besides letting the general public know the existence of such a character in the late Ching-dynasty? To showcase Jet Li's butt-kicking skills? Or to remove the inferiority complex experienced by many Chinese whenever they compare themselves to foreigners?)

Nevertheless, I feel that the expansion of the film on Huo's biography was done neatly. I mean, with such little background information available, I must applaud for the producers' bravery and courage to produce such a film to be presented in the form of a biography.

However, I feel that there is a slight lack in the amount of action present in the film. The highlight of Huo's entire life is his duel with the martial art experts from 4 different countries. Instead, most of the actions in the film come from Huo's fight with Master Chin, one of his arch-rival whom had beaten up one of Huo's disciples. On the other hand, there was little to for us to wow about between his fights with the foregin martial arts experts.

Generally, it is still quite a good film to watch, except that don't expect too much action in the movie.

Rating: 7 / 10

P.S. I don't understand why this movie was rated NC-16, because unlike what the impression that trailer has given to the audience, the violence featured was mild. Perhaps the "grossiest" (if there is ever such a word) part of the movie would be how Huo dislocate/break Master Chin's shoulder blade, and how Huo, in another fight, dislocate/break his challenger's elbow.

P.P.S. Huo founded the Jing Wu Martial Arts Federation (精武体操会）, and Bruce Lee's 精武门 came from this federation. So, you can say that Bruce Lee owns his success to Huo Yuan Jia. Just a little random trivia I think that might be useful to you.

Happy Birthday To Me!

“When you really want something, the universe conspires to help you achieve it.”

-- "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho

I really wanted to listen to my favourite songs being played consecutively on the radio, and voila! My wish came true today. 15th of February 2006.

17 years, on this exact day, I was borned.

Is Lady luck on my side today or something? Does the Universe know that today is my birthday?

It's just too coincidental that one of wishes just became reality on my birthday.

There's nothing really exciting about turning 17. Unless you consider the fact that I am one step closer to that M-18 movie something worth being excited about.

I am just so lucky. Or I am too easily satisfied? Hmm...

In any case, wish me "Happy Birthday"! I want it loud and clear! Best if gifts and presents are included.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

重色轻友

听说YC的班里的LLIICSOANHM同学，在班上对待女同学的态度，以及对待男同学的态度，有着天壤之别。

同样的，与KS同班的XEEIINOYW同学，对待男生与对待女生的方式，也有着显著的不一样。

两位对待女生时，彬彬有礼，但以面对男同学，换脸比川剧变脸师傅还来得快。

前者终日只跟着女同学谈天对话，当有男同学要打断他与女同学之间的对话，LLIICSOANHM同学立即变得很不耐烦。

后者则只在女生面前摆出一副彬彬有礼的虚伪模样，但对待男同学时，又不见得他彬彬有礼。

两者好像这辈子从来没有见过女生似的，拜托啦！女生并非什么稀有动物咯！新加坡的人口比例，女性就已经比男性还来得多咯！

就算要泡妞，也无需这么光明正大地流露出你despo的一面吧？

就算在华中这男校4年的学生生涯里，你的荷尔蒙早已失调，也无需搞到要这么“奉承”女生来平衡自己的内分泌失调吧？

像他们这种这么despo的人，其实是大家最瞧不起的，女生也不会喜欢的，最后还不是偷鸡不着蚀把米，自讨没趣，热脸去贴冷屁股！！

爱情

最近，我身边有不少朋友坠入了爱河，脸上流露出了幸福，容光焕发，春风满面，真叫我羡慕。

突然有股冲动，好像好好地谈一场恋爱。

轰轰烈烈的也行，单单纯纯的也罢，让我也坠入爱河吧！

尤其是当我晓得情人节即将到来，那种欲望就更加强烈了。

可是，我也晓得这种事情不能太急促，“勉强是没有幸福的”，这句话能够存在，就因为它的道理，千真万确。

每每听到别人“拍拖”，或暗恋一个人，我们这群乳臭未干的青少年的基本反映就是问道：

“帅吗？”

“Chio 吗？”

然而，对我而言，若你因为他/她的外表而暗恋/喜欢上他/她，这不叫爱情，这只不过是你发情罢了。

要知道，爱情与性交，两者无需挂钩。你爱一个人，无需与他/她发生任何的性关系；相同的，你也无需要爱一个人才可以与他/她发生关系，这就叫做“一夜情”。

我的理想伴侣，样貌无需沉鱼落雁般，倾国倾城般的美丽，长得顺眼就行了，太过漂亮只会让我觉得他太有距离感，高不可攀。

当然，像如花这种类型的，我一定会拒于门外。

最重要的，还是个性，我无法具体地道出我喜欢的类型究竟是哪一种。我认为，一切随缘。It all depends on the chemistry. 我的range其实是蛮广的。

总得来说，我比较喜欢很自信，乐观开朗，活泼好动的女生；娇滴滴和内向的女生，抱歉，我们今生无缘啦！

咦！怎么开始征友起来啦？

当然，性别不仅仅拘泥于女性，如果有缘，命中注定的话，我是不会排斥和男性交往的。:P

都说了，我的range还蛮广的。

今年的情人节，我是否能受到爱神丘皮特的眷顾呢？保佑我吧！

WOW

Oh my god.

I've never think that a Mediacorp Channel 8 reporter (or news anchor? I seldom watch the news nowadays) would drop by my blog and even leave a comment.

I am so honoured.

红包

派"红包"是华人新年的一种习俗，华人喜爱红色，因为红色象征活力、愉快与好运。

派发红包给未成年的晚辈（根据华人的观念，已婚者就算成年），是表示把祝愿和好运带给他们。红包里的钱，只是要让孩子们开心，其主要意义是在红纸，因为它象征好运。

民间认为分压岁钱给孩子，当恶鬼妖魔或"年"去伤害孩子时，孩子可以用这些钱贿赂它们而化凶为吉。

在现今的社会里，红包究竟是什么？ 红包对现在的晚辈而言，象征着什么？意义是什么？

红包，从长辈对晚辈的一种祝福，演变成今天的长辈炫耀自己的财富的工具。而对晚辈而言，拿红包也从是一种接受长辈所赐予的祝福的象征，变成了今天晚辈流露出贪婪的一面的途径。

今天撇开大人丑陋的一面不谈，就谈谈我们晚辈物欲横流的一面好了。

新年期间与周遭的同学闲聊着，发现与大家对话的主题都是围绕在“今年红包受到了多少？”

新年=红包=拿钱=发财的时机？

当你看到个个小孩子，大孩子在团拜时，深情款款，含情脉脉地，用他们形状像元的符号“$"的眼睛望着大人时，然后在一旁拆开红包，为里头单位数的现金皱眉摆臭脸，或者在其他同年龄的兄弟姐妹或在朋友面前炫耀自己的“战利品”，你就晓得事态不妙，孩子们已经走火入魔，越陷越深，无法自拔啦！

觉得好幼稚，好肤浅哦！

新年不是一个一家团聚，聚在一起叙叙旧，谈谈近况的最佳时机吗？曾几何时，新年的意义本末倒置，被红包喧宾夺主？ 长辈们也真是的，为了面子，为了炫耀自己的财富，拼命的把花花绿绿的钞票往红包封套里塞，把晚辈们的胃口喂得那么大，导致他们现在这么的贪婪，见钱眼开，物欲横流。

需要钱的话，就应该靠自己的双手去努力换回来的，总不能每年只工作一两天，而且是在新年期间的那两天，就希望能赚够一年的生活费吧？圣诞老人可以那么做，但你也不能有样学样啊！毕竟，世界上能有几个圣诞老人？

况且，你拿这么多的红包钱，还不是拿去赌？

对我而言，我已经看开了，不再在乎红包里有多少钱了。就像今年，我所拿到的红包，没有一封我曾拆开过，就连父母给的，我连拆也没拆，就乖乖的将完好无损的红包交给母亲。没有人比我这么做，我也不是个mummy's boy 或是什么的。我只不过是看开了，豁达了，对红包里面的钞票数额一点兴趣也没有。反正，不论里头的数额多或少，日子还是得照过，总不能因为红包里面只有2块钱而愁眉不展，又不是世界末日到了，何必自找苦吃，为赋新词强说愁？

都说了，money is the root of all evil.