Death

At around 11:30 A.M. this morning, my maternal grandmother passed away.

Cause of death: Uncertain. (This sounded better than "unknown", for the latter sounds like she has died in an unnatural manner, which is not true)

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Her death was just too abrupt. My mum informed me on Friday that she was admitted into the Intensive Care Unit in the afternoon and that we were to visit her the next day (which is today, Saturday) sometime during noon. However, at about 7 A.M. my mother franctically waked me up and rushed me to the hospital, for my grandmother's condition has worsened.

Not that we didn't expect her death. In fact, about 5 years ago, all of us in the family knew that she has to leave us sooner or later, but I had certainly not expect her to pass away within one day after her admittance to the hospital.

When I visited her, I could see that she was suffering, in pain. The sight was excruciating. Countless tubes were inserted into various parts of her body, and for the first time after learning first aid for more than 4 years I come to understand what does "difficulty in breathing" really means.

It means that you have inflate your lungs more than twice the usual size for you to stay alive.

To be honest, at that moment, I thought that she looked really pathetic. To be struggling with Death to stay alive for one more minute, to gasp for one more breath of air, to wait for the arrival of one of my uncles.

Even though she was already in coma, but somehow she knew. That the entire family was not present. And that somehow she wanted the entire family to have seen her lying on the the bed before she decides to stop breathing.

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I was worried when my mother told me of my grandmother's condition the day before. I wasn't exactly worried about her condition, to be honest, but instead, I was worried about how am I going to handle the death of one of my family members.

I am not sure what should I do and how should I react. Death of a family member, to me, is a very new and fresh event that I have not experienced before ever since I finally "grew up" and finally understood what are feelings.

People won't know the true meaning of "feelings" until they reach their adolescent years.

The last death I expereinced was nearly 10 years ago. My maternal grandfather died due to heart attack, if I remember correctly.

And I could harldy remember a single thing about his death. All that is still clear in my mind are the last sight of my grandfather (who passed away with his eyes wide open), my mum crying, cremation of his body at a temple in Bishan and his funeral. Period.

I don't remember how I had managed to walk out of the shadows of his death.

I guess I was just far too young to understand what is death then.

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It was really painful to my grandmother suffering on the bed. Images suddenly flashed across my mind. Images of her cooking my favourite dish (bee tai mak 米台目)whenever I do my weekly visit at her place, of having reunion lunch with her on the First Day of the Lunar New Year (not dinner on the eve since she belongs to my maternal side of my family), of her scolding my cousins and I whenever we did something wrong, of her insisting in giving my cousins and I money despite my mother and my aunt's repeated refusal, of her weeping at her sister's funeral (which took place years ago)... and many many more.

To be honest, I was not very close to her ever since I moved on to secondary school. During my primary school days, I will dutifully and faithfully visit her ever week. But the busy and hectic secondary school life has diminished my interest in visiting her. Academic grades and hanging out with friends became more important than giving her a visit.

But nevertheless, I did not feel pleasant when I see her in that fragile state. I don't know my exact feeling about this situation for this piece of news came too abruptly and my mind was in a swirl. Confused, I am. Images just keep popping up and flashing across my mind.

I hate this feeling.

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You know, the saddest thing was not exactly my grandmother's death. There were two things which I find it extremely disturbing.

Firstly, the fact that my mother and all my aunts and uncles kept putting up a smile whenever they talk to my cousins and I was extremely saddening. They were sad themselves, yet they would not like to let their feelings affect and influence us. I know this has to be the most painful and the most difficult thing to do -- to reassure us about my grandmother's situation and attempt to console us when they themsleves know very well that she is not going to make it and they themselves are also feeling the pain of losing a loved one.

They were holding back their tears while forcefully trying to smile when they see us. The sight was just too much for me, or for anyone, to bear.

I mean, what could be worse than forbidding yourself to let your emotions flow freely, especially when you are feeling extremely sad?

The pain of seeing the adults trying to stay strong is equally painful to see my grandmother struggling to take that breathe to try to stay alive, and perhaps just as painful as what my grandmother herself has been going through for the past few years.

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My grandmother's health has been deteoriating since 5 years ago. Her knees were wobbly. Her joints were fragile. Her physique was weak. Her daily diet evolved from solid food to liquid food just before her death. The only solid food she has eaten in her later stages of her life, perhaps, would be medicine.

It was THAT pathetic.

She could barely lift herself out of bed to go to toilet. She risks of falling on her buttocks whenever she starts moving because her legs couldn't support her body weight.

It was THAT pathetic.

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The second saddest thing about her death was that I was not present to catch the final sight of her and to bid her a final farewell before that piecee of cloth was draped over her.

I was in the toilet.

Stupid stomache.

Initially, I was very very worried about seeing the nurse draping the cloth over my grandmother. I was not sure if I could handle the fact that she has passed away, and I just hoped that I could get myself out of this situation, for the atmopshere was tense and the feeling was certainly unpleasant.

When my wish of getting out of that unpleasant situation came true, I began to regret. All, but me, who are present at the hospital went in to bid her farewell. I was the only one left out.

The only word that i could use to describe my feeling then is: 遗憾

Everything is, indeed, fated.

I was fated not to be able to bid my grandmother farewell.

To think that I was worried all the while about not being able to handle seeing her dying. In the end, I was spared from seeing her gasping her last breath of air.

Lucky? Or unlucky? I am not sure.

I am just speechless. Dumbfounded. At loss for words.

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Shan't be blogging for a while. The funeral will take place from Monday onwards. I guess the cremation will be on Thursday.

If everything goes well, I should be back in school by Friday. Perhaps by then, I would have gotten over her death.